Yes, you read that headline correct. The federal government has given money to Wake Forest University to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys. 

Wake Forest is a fine university. Cocaine is a scourge on our society. The federal government wastes money like nobody’s business. Put the three together and you have a study that just asks to be lampooned…and I am here to do it. 

The federal government has given Wake Forest $71,000 of your tax payer money to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys. Let me guess what they found. The monkeys didn’t sleep as much and tended to babble on about stupid things. The monkeys were also probably found to stay out way to late, take up smoking and drinking. Oh, and they really got into clubbing. 

Let’s be frank. Who in the hell cares what the effect of cocaine on monkeys is? This is the stuff our government should be paying for? Why? Are we worried about some mystery monkey cocaine epidemic? Is this a precursor of some sort for another Planet of the Apes movie? How about what is the effect of cocaine on the “scientists” running the program? It simply makes you shake your head.

Ah, but it gets better. Wake Forest seems to have really figured out how to squeeze tax payer dollars from the government teet. In addition getting monkeys wired, the school is running a program where it is studying to see if yoga can recreate the hot flashes women experience in menopause. Now, I happen to think yoga is great because it keeps you flexible. What it has to do with hot flashes is beyond me as is the simple question of why we should care even if it is. Despite this, your beloved government has kicked over…wait for it…$294,000 for the study. 

I have an idea. How about we see if monkeys get hot flashes while doing yoga and sniffing cocaine at the same time? I bet the government would give me $500k for that one!